"What are you scared of?"
The number of times my brothers, parents, friends and even my children asked me that question over my lifetime... Often, I didn't have an answer.
But truly, there are some legitimate fears we have as mothers, daughters and friends, and yes, some of those fears have been realized. It was not nothing, it came to pass. I was afraid of it, and it HAPPENED.
"But did you die?" Ok... no, I didn't die. But the word "gutted" comes to mind. I feared something BIG, it DID happen, and I was gutted.
How do YOU deal with your fears, and are they even legitimate?
First, identifying the fear by writing it in a journal or discussing it with a safe friend (do you have one of those? You can find out by reading this amazing book. It helps me daily even now as I choose who to have close to my family and me, and who to stay a little more separate from!) During that discussion, decide if it's a legitimate fear. Could it happen? What's the worst possible outcome?
Next, set proper expectations for yourself and your children. They probably do NOT need to know about your fear. A lot of times, when we focus on something, that's the only thing that happens simply because of our focus. The self-fulfilling prophecy concept is real, and the more you say, "ANYTHING but THIS!" the ONE thing you don't want happens. Life is funny that way. So, what measurable expectations do you have for this month, this week, this day, and even this hour. One of my ridiculous expectations when we had all five children ages 6 and under was to be able to go to the restroom and not feel rushed. NOPE. Sorry. That's NEVER going to happen, .... at least not without LOTS of prepping!
So I could decide to prevent the feeling, remove the fear by putting in some efforts and steps to help me have more time, or be ok with being rushed. Those were the options that made the most sense.
As you discover and verbalize your fears for the hour, then day, then week... you'll become more adept at realizing what anxieties you may have for LIFE. Each child has their own set of obstacles, and you have dreams and expectations that differ at each season and age for yourself and your marriage. You'll notice the frustration when you hear yourself utter, "At ____ age, I just didn't think it would be like this." That's likely a fear that has been realized. The good news is that you can make LOTS of changes, almost at ANY point!
When you journal, speak, maybe even type or make a video or voice memo! ...or put your fears into any concrete form, you give your brain permission to chill out a little bit. It's like a to-do list for your adrenaline and endorphins. "Ok, that has now been considered!" CHECK! ✅
As you become more patterned and disciplined in this thought process, you'll begin to notice that your reaction time, and fervency will also decrease. You'll begin to RESPOND to your fears rather than react. Just like we train our children to behave, we can gently train our minds to behave! Our brains adjust, our moods become more stable, and just like they react to the food we intake, they will begin reacting to the thoughts we intake. Feed your brain WELL!
Some fears can be fairly easily silenced by changing a part of your method, schedule, procedure, or expectations.
And you can read more about that here! "CHANGE is good (mostly)"
After launching three precious souls into adulthood (some with more grace than others) and having two precious souls remaining at home, I now recognize through experience that some of my parenting fears were NOT unfounded. Sadly.
I spend a lot of time encouraging parents and moms of many helping them to do your very best with the information that you have. Trust your children, trust the process, be consistent and as just as possible while still assuming the best of these absolute SINNERS you live with. I mean it. All five of our children! 100% of them are sinners. That's sort of shocking, even though it's also ridiculous to expect otherwise. For my Pollyana outlook, I just was ALWAYS shocked when a child sinned. They're just so cute, perfect, smart, funny, loving. Any error must have been just a weird fluke. An accident for sure. I was wrong. They are as wretched as me, and in need of a savior along with a big dose of discipline, grace, and humility.
More hard truths I realized along the way: My faith cannot save them, my logic doesn't keep them from making poor choices, and my discipline doesn't get them on the right road. Even though we modeled all that, trained, taught, and lived the way that would help them to find the best path.
It's their own FREE WILL. So.... my fear now is that they will close their ears and not listen to truth, but seek an echo chamber that simply reaffirms any lies they may believe, rather than remember the truth that their parents did the very best they could with their child's well-being in mind. I think I was pretty selfish along the way, for sure. But on the whole.... every family choice and every day was made with the children's lives in the forefront of our decision making process. How do you prove that? You can't. You hope that just as you thought the best of your children, they will look back at you as adults and choose to think the best of you. But that choice is also just theirs. It's so easy today to find reasons to believe you're a victim in most of life, and how nice to simply blame your upbringing for any flaws. So tempting, right?
The next step: Discover what is in your jurisdiction. What can you actually control or influence? Do that, and let go of the rest.
This blog is full of heartache, but at the same time, I am grateful that MOST of our children are logical, open to input, and seeking the truth MOST of the time. Praying that those times continue to simply increase in frequency for each precious soul.